I've had many clients come to counselling in a desperate place, where life is just so hard and it seems like there's little way out. Others come from a place of discomfort, wanting things to be better and more whole.
I find many people say to me, "I just want to be happy." And while happy is a good thing, and not ever feeling happy is certainly a challenge, I want to take a minute to consider another side: feeling average.
I believe average is vastly underrated.
We often search for a way of experiencing less of a difficult emotion by desiring the opposite:
I don't want to be sad - I want to be happy.
I don't want to be depressed - I want to be joyful.
I don't want to be anxious - I want to be peaceful.
I don't want to be angry - I want to be completely calm.
And while these are good things to desire, there is also great value in experiencing the average, the mundane, the daily-life-is-just-okay side of things. Most of life is lived in these average moments, but when we only notice the extremes and only value the extremes, we miss the goodness of the average.
In relationships, we gain trust not just through the amazing moments of deep love and care, but through doing daily life together and (even better) by noticing that daily life together is okay. I sometimes refer to these average experiences in relationships as adding to a "trust fund". This trust fund is like a bank of positive and neutral experiences that allow someone to make withdrawal in hard times. Plenty of neutral and average experiences over time means a few more deposits have been made into the trust fund to be used when the relationship hits a hard spot. But you get a larger deposit when you take a moment to notice the average experiences.
Noticing the average may look like:
Oh, that conversation was alright.
That person did their job.
I felt okay doing that.
That seemed alright.
That wasn't too good or too bad. It just was.
That was good enough to work for me.
Perhaps you read that list in a sarcastic tone, noting the average things as an insult rather than a statement. If so, read it again with curiousity.
Those aren't the highest complements. So why do I think it's so important to value the average?
Noticing average things as being okay means noticing that certain things are actually predictable in a way that isn't harmful.
Noticing average things as being okay means noticing that certain things are actually predictable in a way that isn't harmful. Giving value to average means that you grow trust, you grow hope, and you grow presence in the moment in a faster way. It means you notice that the world around you is perhaps safer, perhaps more okay than you thought before. And that is a powerful thing.
It means you notice that the world around you is perhaps safer, perhaps more okay than you thought before. And that is a powerful thing.