I spoke at the Sheffield Hallam CU event recently and was asked a great question: What is the best recipe for mental health recovery?
I love the idea of it being a recipe, of involving different ingredients, taking time, and often needing some heat to get things really to change. That's because our mental health is not just one part of us. It involves our emotions, yes, but also our thoughts, behaviours, bodily experiences, and relationships with ourself, others, our past, and even God.
So what recipe would I give?
First off, you need to decide that you're ready to cook and gather ingredients. I'd recommend a few different ingredients, depending on your circumstances.
These tend to work well as a base:
One who expects to see you
One who listens
One who can provide wrap around care
One who has knowledge and skills
One who expects to see you. You need someone who expects to see you tomorrow. Whether this is a colleague at work, a teacher who says hi every morning, or the barista who has your order ready each day. When you're really struggling, it can make SO MUCH DIFFERENCE to have someone who expects to see you the next day. Social psychologists call these "weak ties" and they are seen as some of the most influential parts of our life.
I still remember the older man who smiled at me every day on my commute for a year. I could feel myself getting happier as I approached the corner where we'd often cross paths, knowing that I'd see a friendly stranger for a moment.
One who listens. This can be any friend who has some time and who you already trust a little. I know, sometimes it's hard to trust anyone. But many of us have someone that we can test the waters out on - a friend who we can at least tell that we are struggling, even if we don't feel able to share the details. In the right moment, an answer of "Yeah, I'm not doing as great today" can open the door to another person's care.
One who can provide wrap around care. There are several types of people who can fall in this category: case workers, social workers, parents/grandparents, church pastoral care teams, loving housemates, or friends who love basic hospitality. I imagine you don't have all of these types of people in your life, but if you look, you may find that there is someone who can provide this for you in your community. Someone who is there for you "out of hours" when you need a little extra help practically, who can help you get groceries or find a new place to live.
I like to think of these as the kinds of people who might invite you over for mac-and-cheese each week. When you're struggling, you often need someone who feeds your belly, welcomes you into everyday life, and doesn't expect much.
One who has knowledge and skills. For some people, the first three ingredients are enough to help them get well on the way to recovery. But for some people, there's a need for another person to be in the mix - someone with knowledge and skills related to the challenges you're facing. Counsellors and psychotherapists are a great resource for this because we don't just listen, we have training to help us listen better, offer insights, and sometimes even help you learn new skills to recover well.
If you're ready to reach out for counselling, read these posts on how to get the most out of counselling, what you can expect in counselling, and how counselling is different from talking to a friend.
That's my recipe - community who can help you recover by using their different gifting and different relationship with you. You don't need every friend to be a counsellor, you need every friend to be themselves. And perhaps, just maybe, you're one of these people for someone else too.